


halcyon days

by atlantisairlock



Category: Nikita (TV 2010)
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, One-sided Birkhoff/Michael, One-sided Nikita/Alex, Pregnancy, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 12:26:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2309615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlantisairlock/pseuds/atlantisairlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For them it is an end... but also a beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	halcyon days

**Author's Note:**

> adapted from the original fanfiction posted on fanfiction.net. previously titled 'together'.
> 
> title from the ellie goulding album.

They don't expect it.

Okay, maybe they do, sort of - but Birkhoff and Nikita try to kid themselves into thinking they don't. It's more of not wanting to see it than not realising it's happening right under their noses. Birkhoff doesn't say anything when he sees Michael give an imperceptible smile at his cellphone from the line of his peripheral vision, even though he knows exactly who the unrequited love of his life is texting. Nikita ignores Alex's instinctive blush when Michael turns up predictably late at their meetings. They both pretend that Alex and Michael aren't having quiet little dates behind their backs. They both pretend not to see Alex kiss him before she goes out on the field, and they both pretend not to see that Michael kisses her back.

Birkhoff copes by staying up late playing loud, chaotic video games with headphones on and the music turned up at top volume, burying his head in his work till he's up in his ears in HTML code and other technology that nobody else understands - because he knows if he doesn't cram every waking hour with digits and Shadownet and the best graphics in the world, every time he blinks he'll see Michael's face on the back of his eyelids and it'll hit him that Michael wants  _Alex,_ and he refuses to allow that crippling heartache to master him again.

He pretends he doesn't dream about the man anyway, no matter how hard he tries.

Nikita spends her nights twitching restlessly on 1200 thread count sheets, focusing and unfocusing on the flickering glow beneath Birkhoff's door. He can't get to sleep either, she knows, but she chooses to lie in darkness and just  _think -_ think about Alex, and the time when she thought she actually had a chance, and the time she didn't realise she loved the girl. It's so hard not to regret not making a move and seeing Michael fall in love with her - and the worst part being how Alex's falling for him, too.

She has dreamless nights, but she wakes up with tears on her face and she knows exactly why. 

 

 

It's a brilliant pretence they keep up for months on end, tiptoeing delicately around the issue, the elephant in the room that Michael and Alex seem blissfully unaware of. Ryan hates the tension and it gets him stressed and jumpy - the atmosphere brings out the nervous tics in Sonya's behaviour and it chafes, grates on her nerves. It's bound to snap - and sure enough, it does, the night Alex and Michael come home together, and nobody misses the way they're holding hands, cheeks tinted red, a little skittish.

Nobody sure as hell misses the glint of silver on their fingers that catches the light as Michael clears his throat to get everyone's attention. They all turn to stare at the two and Nikita gets that sick knotting feeling in her stomach, that knowledge that the day of reckoning has come. Birkhoff feels his throat dry up and suddenly his tongue's too big for his mouth.

The words spill out of Alex's mouth with the wrong inflections and intonations, jumbled and messy. "Michael and I... um... we're getting married."

"Oh," The other four chorus, because there really is nothing else they can say. Ryan's tone is wary _,_ because he knows without a doubt that this is the proverbial straw that could break the camel's back. Sonya's is to an extent fearful _,_  because she has no idea what's coming with this revelation. Birkhoff's tone is surprise _,_ because he genuinely, genuinely can't believe they're actually going to be together. Nikita's is mostly disappointment _,_ realising that she had her chance and she let it go and this is what she's going to have to live with.

The engaged couple give uncertain smiles at their friends, not sure what's going on, until Sonya finally eases the tension in her shoulders, consciously, and gives them a smile. "Congratulations!"

It's the signal for everyone to start shouting their felicitations and blessings. But Michael and Alex still don't see the flash of pain and sadness in Birkhoff and Nikita's eyes, the flash that's stopping their words from coming from the heart.

They all plan the wedding together, a small ceremony so that Michael and Alex can have a big day even if they're hiding under the radar, unable to come out and go public. The engagement sets other wheels in motion - Birkhoff gravitates towards Nikita because he realises she can  _understand,_ and they spend their nights sitting in silence on the roof, staring at the jet-black sky, knowing they've both lost what they want. She asks him what he sees in Michael, and he asks her why she never told Alex what she really felt for her. They talk.

Three months after Michael gets engaged to Alex, they have their wedding, with just four people attending. It's short and sweet and solace in a life where they keep running and hiding and doing it all over again. Nikita feels her heart ache, bittersweet, when Michael raises Alex's veil and kisses her and Alex's eyes shine - and Nikita knows Alex will never look at her that way. Birkhoff tries to turn away, but the pure happiness on Michael's face- something he's never seen - it keeps him watching, and steals the breath from his lungs.

 

 

It's about half a year later when Sonya steals into Nikita's room at midnight and taps her on the shoulder. "I think there's something you should know. She hasn't told anyone yet - I figured it out on my own - but I think she will soon."

Nikita stares at her face, clean of any expression. "What?"

Sonya takes a deep breath, calming her nerves. "Alex is pregnant."

Nikita looks back at Sonya and feels a chill run down her spine and her stomach twist. The _"what?"_ that falls from her lips is faint and scratchy, and her fingers curl into fists without her realising they do.

"You heard me," Sonya murmurs. "We need to keep her safe till the baby is born."

"Yeah," Nikita answers her, not really listening, feeling the protective instinct that always lies beneath her surface fire up.  _Alex._

She tells Birkhoff the news right after Sonya leaves, sees the blood drain from his face. They know it, without speaking. They know that everything, irrevocably, is about to change. And they are powerless to stop it.

 

 

Michael demands protection be tripled all round and everyone insists Alex does armchair work till the baby is born and maybe even after that. Birkhoff and Ryan start spending some time out on the field so Michael can spend more time with his wife, and Nikita guards Alex's safety so ferociously they become slightly terrified of her. Suddenly the dynamics of the group change, and they all feel like the world's spinning off its axis. Everyone's focused on the still-unborn life Alex carries, and they all know they will give their lives for mother and child - Birkhoff knows he will never survive looking Michael in the eyes if anything happens to Alex, and Nikita knows she would sooner die than lose Alex and her baby.

Nine months later Alex goes into labour while Michael and Nikita are on the field, and the minute the call comes in they are off like a shot. Michael can't remember a time Nikita's ever driven faster on the roads. They clock an hour on a three-hour route and when they burst in, they gravitate instantly to Alex's side, where Ryan and Sonya are taking charge and Birkhoff's playing gofer, doing whatever the duo need doing. Michael rushes to Alex's side, holds her hand in a movement so tender Nikita and Birkhoff  _have_ to avert their gazes.

"I'm here, Alex," he murmurs quietly, stroking a matted lock of hair from her forehead. "I'm here."

She squeezes his hand, sweat dripping down her temple. "Stay... here. Please."

Michael nods. "I will."

And stay he does, by her side in the same position for six hours, until finally,  _finally,_ the wail of a newborn baby relaxes the taut knots in their muscles, and they all breathe a sigh of relief.

"It's over," Ryan whispers reassuringly to Alex, and they hand the baby to Alex. "Congratulations, Alex. She's beautiful."

The look in Alex's eyes - it can't be described in mere words. She's crying, Michael's staring down as Alex passes their daughter to him, and he holds her, tiny, vulnerable,  _theirs._ It's an expression of awe and pure wonder.

"What's her name going to be?"

It's automatic from Alex's lips. "Kate. Kate Udinov. For my mother." Alex looks up at Nikita and smiles, and Nikita feels her heart twist because that smile signifies so  _much_ \- friendship, gratitude, joy - and it doesn't show the one thing Nikita wants to see more than anything.

"Udinov," Michael nods at the surname with a faint smile because there's no way their daughter will ever be anything else. He cradles her, so small compared to his hands, and his smile - it's infectious and against his better judgment Birkhoff can't help but smile too.

"Hey there, Kate," he says soothingly. "Welcome to the family. I'm your father." Michael puts Kate back in Alex's arms. "This is your mother. And these people..." Michael gestures to the four around him, staring down at the baby with varying levels of reverence and amazement. "This is Aunt Nikita, Aunt Sonya, Uncle Seymour, and Uncle Ryan. And we will keep you safe and happy." His voice drops as he makes the promise, and dark fire comes alight in his eyes and they all know he will go to the ends of the earth to fulfil that promise  _no matter what._ "Whatever happens."

 

 

Kate Udinov soon becomes the light of their lives. She is adorable, precious, innocent, and she is their main motivation, now, in taking Amanda and The Shop down once and for all. Anything and everything to keep her a little safer. Michael and Alex seem invincible and tireless when it comes to their daughter and nothing fazes them, because she is beautiful and perfect and  _theirs_ and that is all that matters.

It is the closest they could get to perfect.

And then it goes wrong.

 

 

It would make sense that _Amanda_ would be able to find away to hack into Birkhoff's legendary Shadownet and penetrate their impenetrable security. Michael and Alex are in their car, about to drive off for dinner with Kate strapped in the back seat, when something - _something_ - turns their car around a hundred and eighty degrees, and sends it careening forward at a hundred miles an hour... straight into Sonya and Ryan about to head back into the safe house after waving goodbye to little Kate, and then slap bang into a wall of the safe house.

Nikita and Birkhoff are inside the safe house and they see it all spin out of control from behind triple-glazed tinted bulletproof windows, freezing in their tracks. Ryan and Sonya arc upwards, landing metres from the car, rag dolls tossed away by a bored child. The car  _flips,_ lands, and they both run outside, switching into agent mode instantly. Nikita all but wrenches the car door open, hears Kate's desperate, terrified screams  _oh thank god the seatbelt kept her safe_ and she sees Michael unconscious and bleeding and Alex hangs from the overturned car, clawing at her seatbelt. It's then she notices Nikita, trying to take in her surroundings  _oh god smoke it's going to catch fire oh god_ and then suddenly Nikita's world is nothing but the deafening cacophony of Alex screaming the same thing over and over again.

"Take Kate and run!"

Nikita looks around desperately, sees the tongues of flame beginning to lick at the rear of the car, sees Birkhoff valiantly trying to smother the flames in vain. Her gaze meets Alex's tortured one, knowing it's  _too late,_ too late and -

"Take Kate and _run_!" Her voice is louder now, more commanding. " _Nikita_! Do it! _Now_!"

"Alex!" Nikita cries, grabbing Kate in a bearhug and trying to rip Alex's seatbelt away, tries to pull her out from her precarious position. "Alex - "

Alex's eyes blaze and Nikita feels the prickling heat from the car that's soon about to explode and she can hear Birkhoff from somewhere behind her yelling at her to  _get out of there before you die._ "Nikita, take Kate and go.  _Now._ Do it for Michael, for me... Nikita. It's too late.  _Go._ "

_Go._

Nikita runs. Runs faster than she's ever run in her life, because there's no alternative.

The blast as the inferno reaches the gas tank shakes her world and shatters her eardrums and everything is complete mayhem. Nikita vaguely remembers herself curling herself around Kate, shielding her, and Birkhoff's yell. It's like the end of the world.

Maybe it is. 

 

 

Hours later they're in another underground safe house, hiding, just two of them with Kate, now quiet, asleep.

"It's not your fault," Birkhoff says quietly when he sidles over to her and slides an arm around her waist and strokes Kate's downy-soft hair. "We'll get Amanda. We'll get Amanda for sabotaging that car and controlling it, god, I still don't know how, I need to get to my equipment... and taking them away from us. We will."

"And... Kate," Nikita's voice cracks as she says the girl's name. "We have to... Birkhoff, we have to -"

"I know," he answers mildly. "And we will. We will raise her right and we will keep her safe and we will do everything Alex and Michael would have done. And we'll destroy Amanda, once and for all. Their deaths will not be in vain... and Kate will  _not_ lose us. Not us. We will raise her, together." Birkhoff cups Nikita's cheek in a gesture so affectionate she can't believe for a moment it's coming from him. "Together," he repeats, softer now. "I promise."

"Together," Nikita agrees, and for once she allows herself to break down in his arms.

For Nikita it will always be Alex, and for Birkhoff it will always be Michael - and for both of them it will always be Ryan and Sonya and  _god damn it -_  but he kisses her and she lets him, and maybe they can start anew and start again - and they both know they  _will_ do this, they will fight everything and destroy anything to keep Kate safe. They will watch her grow up,  _together._ For Sonya, for Ryan. For Michael, for Alex. For themselves.

For them it is an end... but also a beginning.


End file.
